Bob: What would you say you do here?
Tom Smykowski: Well, look, I already told you–I deal with the goddamn customers, so the engineers don’t have to.
I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS. I AM GOOD AT DEALING WITH PEOPLE. CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? I…1
– Office Space
[Author’s Note: Yes, I know I used the word ‘jingoisms’ incorrectly. Jingoism referring to extreme nationalism, when in this context, I should have used lingo. However, instead of changing it, I’m doubling-down.]
The film Office Space ruined me on human resources and corporate culture. In retrospect, it should’ve also ruined me on the service industry. It took me several years of floundering in the service industry and dealing with the “goddamn customers” before I learned that lesson. Fortunately, I’ve never had to wear 27 pieces of flair or “…had a case of the Mondays.”2 Most corporate jobs are brutally inefficient because most corporate jobs prioritize having a large bureaucracy or middle management. People get token promotions and fake titles instead of raises or more vacation days. Anyone who has seen The Office knows that there’s no such thing as “Assistant to the Regional Manager.”
In my adult life, I’ve only worked a couple of corporate “desk jobs,” glorified “perfect attendance” simulators. As long as you sat at your desk and looked busy, no one hassled you or asked what you were doing. This doesn’t just apply to desk jobs, though. Sometimes in my position at the metal shop, there were maybe five to ten hours of actual work. The rest of the time, I either cleaned, sorted or did other small menial tasks that a high school student could’ve done. The workweek was 56 hours over six days, and there was rarely a time when we had 50 hours of work in my two years there. Needless to say, I took lots of “walking around” breaks and read many books. The same went for my last corporate job. I probably only did about ten hours of work in a 50-hour workweek. I filled my time with reading and writing projects to counter the boredom. I used those jobs to watch stuff on YouTube, listen to podcasts, and do smaller writing projects. However, you can only distract yourself so much before the veneer peels, and you realize you are still at work. Most people enjoy this; I find it tedious. The problem with these jobs was I had to be present to be paid.
I’d argue that in most of these jobs, especially desk jobs, call centers, etc., it’s harder to find work or pretend to “look busy” for 40 hours a week than it is to do the work assigned to you. One of the ways I was incentivized in my call center job was a bonus based on the number of dials I made. This is nothing more than an invisible tether chaining people to their desks, keeping them from walking around the office, talking to their coworkers, or taking too many bathroom breaks. These jobs are less about performance and more about busy work. If this hypothetical company had two or three rainmakers ruthlessly dialing up and closing clients, they wouldn’t need to bribe ten inefficient workers. Most employees don’t care about this. They want a job that gives them the illusion of security and retirement for 30 or 40 years.
However, my least favorite aspect of working for a corporate job is human resources. Human resources was created to free managers from managing their staff so they can sit in pointless meetings all day. Human resources also exist because men and women working together in the same building create so many problems that no one can get any work done without them. I’d also argue human resources was designed to give a cross-section of society a meaningless title and tasks that should be done by managers and the payroll/accounting departments.
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On Human Resources
[2024 Edit: I stumbled across this video one day by an Orange County lawyer and had to share it. I wish I had this video when I was writing this article. Don’t listen to Human Resources. If you’re currently working a corporate job and get screwed over by bosses and/or HR, find a good employment lawyer.]3
Human resources is a waste of both humans and resources. It’s a class of “management” that is largely unnecessary. If a company’s goal is efficiency, they would shit-can their HR department, hire and promote managers based on merit, and demand managers train their subordinates. Instead, corporate management had devolved into a bureaucratic caste that has been promoted to their level of incompetence.
Whenever I was looking for a job and received a call from a recruiting agent, I’d ask if I’d be interviewing with my immediate supervisor. If the answer was no, I didn’t take the interview. I don’t need eight different “bosses” coming to correct me when I do something wrong. Instead of being interviewed, hired, and trained by your direct supervisor, you’re handed a 65-page handbook of policies in many companies and wasted a day of training playing “Popcorn” with other new hires, taking turns reading aloud. Forget high school; this is elementary school.
Is anyone reading this that doesn’t know you shouldn’t bring a weapon to work? Or you shouldn’t sexually harass coworkers? Why is this a mandatory part of training? Yet here we are; at least you get “paid” to waste a day. They do it because they know no one would read the company handbook if they didn’t sit you down at a desk like children and make you. Still, don’t believe me when I say high school and college are designed to train you to sit at a desk and not ask questions?
As populations exploded and companies grew, the necessity for more jobs grew. This is one reason the average person in their career barely has enough work to fill their day. As modern society became stratified, so did corporate culture and hierarchies. The problem is that most of these jobs aren’t necessary. By creating this middling “class” of workers, corporations took responsibilities out of the hands of capable people and gave them to pointless bureaucrats. Payroll and accounting can handle your paycheck issues, and managers should train their immediate subordinates. The problem is, as I explain later, the average person promoted to management cannot lead. Societally speaking, most people are followers, not leaders. Most people never rise past middle-management in any job or career, which burdens companies to hire people to police the workforce and fill in the gaps that management can’t do for myriad reasons.
When society creates a class of uneducated, unmotivated workers that need jobs, you have to bribe them with meaning and purpose to show up at their job. While it’s true that money is a motivator, if people aren’t having fun or they don’t feel that they belong to something greater, they will find new work. Part of this responsibility falls on Human Resources, but companies created a new method to trick people into buying a phony meaning and purpose: culture.
On Culture
One of the newest jingoisms in corporate America is “Culture.” Companies love to boast about their fantastic work environment. They believe a ping-pong table in the break room or dance competitions during lunch hours wins people over. Sadly, for the average Luddite, it kinda does. I briefly worked for a company whose new-hire pamphlet read, “Welcome to your last first job.” Cue the “Tyler The Creator” meme:
Starting new recruits off with a lie is never a good sign. However, there’s some small part of me that believes in a different timeline or a different dimension, there’s a J who works a corporate job, has received several promotions based on merit, and is happy and fulfilled. I know these people exist, but it’s not me.
I’m always mindful of any job that boasts about how great their “work culture” is. Usually, this means they have no qualms about chaining you to your desk (figuratively, of course) and giving you two hours of busy work, which you must stretch into a full day. But, again, most corporate work has become an extension of high school, and some of us have no desire to live out the glory days of “peaking” at sixteen. I wonder how many high school quarterbacks are pushing paper or how many cheer team captains are heads of human resource departments. I know of at least one from my high school.
As I said earlier, most people aren’t motivated by making more money. It’s been proven that people are not motivated extrinsically by money as much as they are intrinsically motivated by belonging to a group or community or feeling that their work has a purpose.4 People want to believe that their work gives them autonomy, meaning and purpose, and makes an impact. Unfortunately, even with remote work and consulting, it’s difficult for most people to experience autonomy while building someone else’s dreams. Most people also believe that working for another company is safe and that being an entrepreneur is risky. Fortunately, the COVID-19 Pandemic showed people how precarious most jobs and industries are.
If you must work for someone else (or choose to), be wary of places that brag and boast about free snacks in the break room, spirit weeks, a free gym membership, or other window-dressing. The phrase “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” exists because they’re trying to buy your loyalty. Likewise, be careful when a company brags that they were voted “One of the best places to work” by some magazine or online study. Again, this is a façade meant to hide that you’re doing work a sixth grader could do for as little money as possible.
If corporate culture is so great, why are anxiety, depression, and job dissatisfaction on the rise? Why is abusing alcohol, narcotics, and prescription drugs on the rise?5 I understand that correlation isn’t causation, and I must be mindful of making these claims. Over the past decade, marijuana has been decriminalized in many states and recreational in many states. I understand people in this world will smoke a little weed or take anxiety meds regardless of their job. However, I still argue the #1 cause of people’s anxiety is their job. I can’t stand being in a corporate building or a “workshop.” Even with my experience as a writer, marketer, and other creative work, I can’t chain myself to a desk all day. I like the flexibility of knowing I can work in a library or coffee shop today or sit outside and people-watch as long as my battery life lasts. I love not having to commute. I love that I can work in the morning or later at night. No amount of “culture” or “belongingness” will ever chain me to a desk again, even in my own company.
I’ve seen companies take away remote work and work-from-home privileges from excellent employees because they felt their culture was so great they needed everyone at the office. Everyone had to drive to work at the same time, park in the same structure, and be in the same building at the same time so that they could soak up all that luxurious “culture” going around. If your culture is so great and permeates every essence of our being, couldn’t we get that glorious culture in our homes or on a beach in Thailand? When I want culture, I’ll eat yogurt with fresh berries. Unfortunately, I see too many companies use “culture” as an excuse to keep employees under their thumb.
Corporate Burnout and Other Jingoisms
Another interesting factoid I’ve noticed from some corporate studies is that as more women are joining the workforce, instances of female depression, job-related anxiety, and attempted suicides are all increasing. In an article published in Women’s Health, the author postulates that stresses from jobs and divorce are two of the reasons why female suicides are increasing.6 Another article claims that there’s also a rise in alcoholism and recreational and prescription drug abuse among women as well.7 Again, correlation isn’t causation–men still consume more alcohol than women–but that gap is shrinking. Working meaningless jobs and hustle culture are taking their toll on the human spirit. To combat how truly shitty these jobs have become, we take it out on ourselves through drugs and alcohol.
Also, since this article is about human resources and culture, companies like to throw around two more buzzwords: “diversity” and “inclusion.” Another way to say this is: “We have enough white males in management, thank you.” One of the companies I mentioned in this article loved to boast about diversity:
- The CEO was an Asian-American male
- The two regional managers were white females
- All of the department managers except one were either female or people of color; only one was a straight white male
- Almost all of the supervisors were female or people of color
I’d love to believe they were promoted based on their leadership abilities, but I heard many of them on the phone and saw their in-office communications. Most of them are terrible communicators and worse leaders. There’s nothing wrong with hiring and promoting women and people of color, but I wish companies would pretend that promotions are based on merit. Just as fewer men are getting involved in American politics, many are also leaving corporate America.8
Companies also love to boast about “giving back” to the communities they take massive tax breaks from by forcing employees to spend some Saturdays rebuilding neighborhoods, tearing down abandoned homes, or volunteering at soup kitchens. Some companies will even pay you a couple of hours and guilt you into giving up part of your day off. I’m all for companies doing community outreach, as long as it’s not mandatory. I am all for women and people of color being promoted, so long as it is based on merit, not the color of their skin or genitals. Technically, since we are on work time, we’re not supposed to be concerned with an employee’s genitals. Someone put in another email to HR, pronto!
Also, for those going into the technology sector, you’ll sometimes see big tech companies try to headhunt talent through unpaid internships. If anyone wants you to do an unpaid internship or tells you your compensation will be a job referral or possibly job placement at the end of your internship, run away. Never work for free unless you’re building your in-demand skill set and are doing work for someone in exchange for a testimonial. While it may seem prestigious to be a senior programmer at Google or a silicon valley tech startup, demand money for your work, or find work elsewhere.
If you decide to go the corporate route, a big part of your life will be navigating office politics. This means you need to be likable and sometimes kiss the corporate ass. Unfortunately, I can’t give you any advice because I was never good at it. I have this terrible habit of speaking my mind, which gets me in big trouble at work. If you need expert advice on navigating the corporate world, I urge you to read and internalize Vizier by Dentes Leo. Robert Greene’s book, The Laws of Human Nature, is also an amazing follow-up, particularly the chapter “Seeing Through People’s Masks (The Law of Role-Playing).”
I didn’t realize until I was 27 years old that working for someone else is thankless and unsatisfying. As I discussed in Herd Immunity: Mental Firmware, it took me sitting on a plane home from Cancun reading The Four-Hour Workweek to realize that college is a waste of time and most jobs are traps that waste your youth while making someone else’s dreams a reality. However, most people aren’t entrepreneurially inclined, so most of you will need a job. Being homeless isn’t as glamorous as the governments of California and Washington would have you believe. However, running those encampments IS a very lucrative job at the taxpayer’s expense.9
I’ll end this rant on a happy note: I must give young people credit. The advent of the “influencer” has made a generation of people leery of working for a living. I can’t blame them one bit. Every time I log into Instagram, I see someone in my explore feed doing a stupid dance or shilling a pointless supplement. Make that money! If I could’ve been an Instagram or TikTok millionaire in my teens, I would’ve. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would’ve made millions as a streamer on Twitch and “retired” almost a decade ago. It beats the hell out of commuting to a glass skyscraper, paying for parking, and spending 50 hours a week being a sycophant to a Dunning-Kruger to make your mortgage and car payments. Skip the pointless meetings that could’ve been an email and mute the Zoom diversity and inclusion webinar. Your time is better spent as an entrepreneur or on the phone closing your clients.
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1 Judge, Mike, director. 1999. Office Space. 20th Century Fox, 2019. Blu-Ray Disc, 1080p HD.
2 Ibid.
3 Robertson, Branigan. 2022. “How HR Cheats Employees.” November 7, 2022. Accessed May 28, 2024. YouTube. Video, 13:48. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQvM7IhrtYo
4 White, Doug, and Polly White. 2015. “Money Is Nice, But It’s Not Enough to Motivate Employees.” Entrepreneur.com. June 23, 2015. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247333
5 Badel, Alejandro and Brian Greaney. 2013. “Exploring the Link between Drug Use and Job Status in the U.S.” Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis. July 1, 2013. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://www.stlouisfed.org/publications/regional-economist/july-2013/exploring-the-link-between-drug-use-and-job-status-in-the-us
6 Mackenzie, Macaela. 2016. “The Suicide Rate Among Women in America Is Skyrocketing.” Women’s Health. August 11, 2016. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19951136/young- women-suicide-rate-increase/
7 Henson, Priscilla MD. 2019. “Why Alcohol Abuse is on the Rise for Women.” American Addiction Centers. July 22, 2019. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/why-alcohol-abuse-is- on-the-rise-for-women
8 Berliner, Uri. 2014. “Why Are Men Leaving The American Workforce?.” NPR. August 11, 2014. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://www.npr.org/2014/08/11/338042751/why-are-men-leaving-the-american- workforce
9 Monson, Dori. 2019. “Dori: Homelessness Industry Trades Attacks For Six-Figure Salaries.” Kiro Radio. January 24, 2019. Accessed October 8, 2021. https://mynorthwest.com/1253700/dori-homelessness-industry/