Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a MANIAC!? You say, “look at this idiot here. Will you look at this idiot, just creeping along… Whoa! Look at that maniac go!”1
– George Carlin, “Carlin on Campus”
This was originally in the first draft of the book but I felt it worked better as a companion piece. This is a brief treatise on driving, as I was born and raised in “The Motor City.” You’d think living in an area where cars were first mass-produced and living close to the first paved road in America that we’d have the best drivers in the world. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve driven in several states across this great land and sadly, drivers are pretty much the same all over: terrible. George Carlin has some excellent observations regarding driving, so if you’re a fan of his (or you just need a distraction from work) I’ll drop a couple here:
This article is dedicated to stupid things I’ve seen while driving. I made a few stupid mistakes when I was younger. [One of my dumbest was accidentally turning my car into a submarine, which I discussed here] However, one of the best pieces of advice I can give, much like Chapter 2 of Herd Immunity: Mental Firmware urges men to learn to fight, is to learn to drive when you’re young. Get lots of practice in. I’m fortunate that both of my parents are excellent drivers and parkers, so I learned from the best. Nothing like learning how to drive from a man who drove cement trucks and tractor trailers for a living. You never learn how to back in until you have to back a boat trailer into a lake. Hopefully, if you ever do this, you do it on purpose.
Thanks for reading Herd Immunity! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Also, if you’ve read my article about how I accidentally turned my car into a submarine, you’d think that I’m the last person qualified to tell you to learn to drive. That’s WHY you need to learn to drive. If you live in an area where you must own a car, being a bad driver is no excuse. As men, we should be good drivers. The “women are terrible drivers” cliché doesn’t give us a pass. You be the man; you drive on the dates—even if it’s her car.
One of the worst things you can do in a car is to make a blind left turn onto a road under construction. I’ve seen two separate accidents as a result of this and have been in one. It is a no-win situation. If your navigation (or your intuition) tells you to trust a gap in traffic, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Find another way around.
If you’re one of these people who pulls out in front of another car and then drives slowly, I hope your license is taken from you. This is one of the biggest driving sins out there. You’re in such a damn hurry to get in front of me, get up the road then! Don’t pull out in front of someone if you don’t have enough room. And especially if you’re not gonna drive fast. You make a bold move by pulling out in front of someone and nearly causing an accident, then drive 10 MPH under the speed limit like an idiot. You deserve to get hit doing these things.
Many times, the people who pull out in front of you could’ve waited the additional ten seconds to see that there’s no one behind you for a mile. These people couldn’t want the three extra seconds. They had to get in front of you. But you’d never know because they are deathly afraid to speed.
Success loves speed. Bold moves require fast action. If you pull out in front of me, you better get your ass up the road.
I’m a huge fan of “pulling out,” but pulling out has its time and place. When I park my car, I’m a big fan of the “pull-through” spots. Even though I was taught by my father how to back out, I never understood why he wanted to back into spots. To me, it takes more time to back into a spot, just so that you have the ease of “pulling out” when you leave. I try to find spots that I can just pull through, and then pull out. Women appreciate a man that has a wicked pull-out game. You’ll have to try this out for yourself.
I tend to drive just a notch below the reckless side. I make quick, calculated moves because I trust my vehicle, I trust my ability as a driver, and I know I can get in and out of tight spots quickly. I love to speed. I think most of the posted speed limits are an absolute joke. In America, the “Land of the Free,” we have more rules, especially about driving, than in poor countries. Have you ever been on a tour bus or a shuttle in Latin America? Those drivers are nuts. To their credit, they know how to handle their vehicles.
While I’m talking about “handling vehicles,” if you can’t see over the steering wheel, you shouldn’t be driving your vehicle. My best friend who is all of 5’3″ drove a Chevy Suburban like it was a panzer. But she could control it. Most of you couldn’t handle a Fiat 500 and it shows.
Also, there should be no such thing as a “no-fault state” when it comes to insurance. In every accident, someone’s at fault. Your penalty for being a moron and causing an accident should be that you pay heavily. That’s why it’s called “paying attention.” But because we live in such a litigious society, everyone gets to share the blame. Same for these people who drive $500 beater cars with no insurance. Thanks for making my premiums higher.
I hate these “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” signs. I don’t have kids, but if I did, they’d know to pay attention while playing in the street. It’s not my fault your kids like to run out in front of cars. In my neighborhood, we all played roller hockey in the street. None of us ever got hit by cars. Funny how that works. I don’t care for road signs and posted speed limits.
If you live in an area of the world where it’s legal to make a right-hand turn on red, it’s always legal to make a right-hand turn on red. I don’t care about these posted signs. I go if the coast is clear and I’m not pulling out in front of anyone. I got places to be, Jack. I can’t be sitting around all day waiting on a light to change. Are you going to live your entire life letting a road sign tell you what you can and can’t do? Road signs have no bearing on my life. I don’t know if you’ve seen this in your area, but some police officers are so lazy they don’t even “speed trap” anymore. They post a radar sign that displays your speed and when you speed, a light flashes telling you to slow down. Some of them even have police-style red and blue lights. Have you ever been pulled over by a sign before? No? Me either? Stop slamming on your brakes just because of a light-up sign. Yes, I’m driving 40 in a 25. So what? If you slow down because you see a sign flashing at you, you don’t deserve a license.
As I said, I was born and raised in Michigan, and we created this infernal contraption called “The Michigan Left.” For those of you that are unenlightened, the Michigan Left exists on boulevards and divided highways, so that you do not need to have lights every 1,000 feet. The purpose of the Michigan Left is to allow people who are driving on one side of the road to make a turn-around and head in the opposite direction, or to allow you to turn into houses and businesses on the opposite side of the road. In reality, all it does is create backups in the left lanes which are stereotypically supposed to be the “fast lane.”
Some Michigan Lefts have a stop light with a sign that reads “Proceed on green light only (or if flashing).” This is akin to the “No right turn on red” sign. You’ve already begun your turn, and now you’re going to sit and wait for the light to change to finish it? That makes no sense. Again, quit letting a road sign bully you into compliance.
A few years ago, my old neighborhood arbitrarily decided to post Stop signs at this three-way intersection. If no one is coming in the other two directions, why should I stop? Again, most signs are merely a suggestion. I refuse to recognize the authority of any sign that didn’t exist before I got my license. What a waste of energy. The average person does not know how to run a four-way stop anyway. So, who cares?
I treat all stop signs as rolling yields; I treat all yields like I always have the right of way. In Michigan, failure to yield is a $135 ticket and two points on your license. You know how to handle that, don’t you? Go to court and pay the fine like a man. Most states will allow you to go to traffic school and expunge some points on your license. I get so tired of these panicky dimwits on the road that refuse to speed because they’re deathly afraid of getting pulled over. Take the ticket and move on with your day. Or pull over and get out of my way! I have better things to do with my time than worry about some cop or a sign.
What’s the worst that could happen? Have you hit a pedestrian or a biker? I got news for Have you—some of them deserve to get hit!
When I say bikers, I’m referring to pedal bikes, not motorcycles. I think bikers have too big of an ego. I’m tired of this “share the road” propaganda. I’ll share the road when bikers treat their bikes like cars and quit weaving in and out of traffic, or when bikers obey the posted signs and lights. Does this make me a hypocrite? Yes. However, if someone hits my car I won’t get nearly as hurt as someone on a bike. When I was a kid, my parents always told me, “don’t drive your bike on the road.” I did it anyway. These nerds like to take their bikes out on major roads, causing back-ups, and forcing people with actual vehicles to yield to them. What a joke.
Imagine being in a one-ton car and having to yield the right-of-way to someone pedaling a mountain bike. Some cities and townships have part of the road with a dedicated bike line. I don’t mind this. However, I’ll always argue that cars, while they may not have the legal “right of way” can do more damage to me on a bike or as a pedestrian, than I could do to them. In nature, the laws of “dealing damage” should supersede the laws of “right of way.”
In some of these downtown areas and posh shopping centers, people blatantly and brazenly walk against the signals all the time. Good luck with that. I say if you’re gonna be bold and jaywalk, you forfeit the right to sue if you get hit crossing. Pedestrians have too much leeway. Unless I’m the one walking. Then I expect you to stop two miles away when I cross. But I commend you on not taking posted signs seriously.
Okay, those are my thoughts. I don’t plan on changing the world with my views on driving. Hopefully, you’ll remember these tips next time you’re driving and perhaps you’ll make better time on your commute. If you’re not at a point where you can’t afford a fast car, at least go rent some. Get the extra insurance and cause some mayhem.
Learn how to handle your vehicle, stop obsessing over posted signs, and scare some pedestrians.
Support Herd Immunity:
Get Herd Immunity: Mental Firmware
Get Herd Immunity: Societal Deprogramming
Carlin, George, performer. 1984. “Stuff on Driving,” Recorded April 18-9, 1984. Track 7 on Carlin on Campus. Eardrum Records. CD.