“Can you swim?”
– James Bond, The Spy Who Loved Me1
I’ve had a rough go with cars in my adult life. Devotees to my writing know I saved myself from an engine failure and a burning car.
Before I got that car, I had another car that I had a rough go with. This story is about how I almost turned my car into a submarine and nearly destroyed it.
I was initially gonna name this post “Wet Nellie” after the infamous James Bond Lotus Esprit S1 in The Spy Who Loved Me.2
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However, I realized that I have frank discussions about sexual urges and desires in Herd Immunity, and calling someone a “Wet Nellie” might get me into hot water with sensitive “Nellies” who don’t get the reference. In the 2000s, there was a TV channel called “SpikeTV,” and SpikeTV’s brand focused on airing TV shows and movies men love. Every Christmas, they aired all the James Bond movies between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve, marketed as “The 007 days of James Bond.”3
This was some great marketing, and because I will always be a student of marketing and persuasion, these ads were a win for me. Much like the networks airing It’s a Wonderful Life every Christmas, James Bond has become associated with the holiday season. Women can have The Hallmark Channel; I have James Bond and Die Hard.
This lesson is simple: be wary of driving through standing water on roads. Before Elon Musk bought “Wet Nellie,” I inadvertently attempted to turn my 2003 Hyundai Elantra into a submarine with tragic results. In a recent birthday card, my sister wrote a touching note about how some of her fondest memories in childhood are of me driving my siblings around, especially through mud puddles after a rainstorm. I must admit, I derive sick pleasure from splashing about in mud puddles, so long as I’m in my car and away from the dirt. Unfortunately, one day this fascination would get me into hot water or rather cold, murky water.
In my parents’ neighborhood, there’s a small bridge that you have to cross to get to their house. Thankfully my parents live in a neighborhood that occupies a one-square-mile block, with entrances on all four main roads. So if one street or entrance is blocked due to construction or a road hazard, you can still enter and exit the neighborhood via one of the other three main roads. One day I was driving home from somewhere, and it had been raining hard. Having never lived in a monsoon climate, I’ve never experienced that harsh precipitation, but I assure you that Michigan gets some hellacious wind and rainstorms.
The rain had been pouring so hard for so long that several streets were blocked in the neighborhood. With my love for driving through puddles, I was enjoying “flooring it” and driving past parked cars, splashing up water, and driving through puddles as cars were coming in the other direction. If you’ve ever driven through standing water before, the experts tell you not to “floor it” as the kicking-up of water can flood your car’s undercarriage and screw up some of your car’s electronics. There’s also the concern of water getting into your intake manifold or your exhaust system. If you’re a car guy or a logical thinker, you’re starting to get the picture I’m painting for you.
I pulled onto the street with the bridge, and, much like the other streets, there was standing water on this street as well. In my headstrong desire to get home and out of the rain, I decided to throw caution to the wind and floor it to get over the bridge and past the standing water. Unfortunately, this particular bridge is built where the road has a dip before your tires reach the paved bridge. Unfortunately, this proved to be a fatal error in judgment for me. As I was approaching the bridge, another driver decided that he wanted to get past this high-water spot and began to drive into the water from the other direction, coming directly at me.
Because this idiot tried to do what I was doing, I made the stupid decision to slow down instead of finishing driving through the high water. This decision proved fatal. My car was so soaked that the electrics were starting to flicker, a warning that my car’s electrical system was taking on too much water. The moron drove through the water slowly and safely, and I did not. As I hit the bump before the bridge, the water was too high, and my car got stuck and stalled out. Water started rushing into my exhaust system and the car’s cabin. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get the engine to turn over. Fortunately, I was close to home, and the water wasn’t too high that I couldn’t climb out the window. I climbed out the window and ran across the bridge, around the corner, and to my house.
Once inside, I told my family what I did and how stupid I was, and then called a tow truck to rescue my car. I wish I had taken a picture of my poor car for posterity. It looked like a little silver fishing bobber without the line or pole. Much like the car fire, plenty of passersby were amused. If it weren’t my car, I would’ve gained some entertainment from the situation. However, I couldn’t appreciate the moment because it was my car.
A tow truck was called, the vehicle was saved, and the interior wasn’t harmed outside of the water damage inside the engine and exhaust. Once the car dried, it didn’t affect the electronics significantly. However, my stepfather lost several hours of his life, assisting me in performing several mandatory oil changes to flush out the water from the engine. I could’ve saved myself several hundred dollars in oil changes, several days in car maintenance, and not shortened my car’s engine life if I took the two minutes to drive around to another neighborhood entrance. I don’t know how savvy you are with cars, but keeping them submerged in water for prolonged periods isn’t wise. I can only imagine how much more work would’ve been done had the water flooded the entire cabin.
Be mindful of driving through mud puddles and standing water, especially if you’re responsible for the car you’re driving. It’s a tough situation all around. If you’re driving someone else’s car at the time, or you’re not financially responsible for the vehicle, go nuts. Let them pay for it. I don’t even like driving in snowstorms because of my fear of getting stuck. I know this is an irrational fear and a bone-headed decision I made, but much like some of the other lessons in Herd Immunity, I hope you get a laugh out of some of the dumb shit I’ve done and said in my life.
Fast forward to 2013, and Elon Musk now owns “Wet Nellie.” It’s common knowledge that Elon has made many crucial mistakes with women in the past. The biggest lesson I hope he takes from me is not to drive “Wet Nellie” off a pier into the ocean. If you do, I hope you can swim. For the rest of you, you’re not James Bond. Unless you’ve made major modifications to your car, like the guys on Top Gear, your vehicle doesn’t turn into a submarine!4
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1 Gilbert, Lewis, director. 1977. The Spy Who Loved Me. United Artists, 2 hr., 5 min. https://www.amazon.com/Spy-Who-Loved-Me/dp/B009G85ALG
2 Wikipedia. 2022. “Wikipedia: Wet Nellie.” Wikimedia Foundation. Last modified May 23, 2022, 14:06. Accessed August 25, 2022. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wet_Nellie
3 Play Pause Video. 2018. “007 Days of Christmas Marathon – Spike-TV Promo #1 (2003),” April 27, 2018. Accessed August 25, 2022. YouTube. Video, 0:15.
4 BBC. 2012. “James Bond style Lotus drives underwater | Top Gear – BBC,” October 30, 2012. Accessed August 25, 2022. YouTube. Video, 2:32.